The Stupidest Thing Ever
by Wolf McCloud-123
Summary: Chapter Thirteen is up. It's really cracked up, too. Updated whenever I feel like it now.
1. Seung Mina's Dress

A/N: I've been doing too many Fire Emblem fanfics, so I decided to swing in a whole new direction.

I decided that I'm finally ready to write a Soul Calibur fanfic.

GASP, yes, this _is_ a total shock to even me, since I only got Soul Calibur II last Christmas and I didn't really start liking it until just last summer, so I'm actually still pretty new to the franchise. So, until I can think up a proper title, this shall be known as:

_The Stupidest Thing Ever_

qpqpqp

dbdbdb

Chapter One : Seung Mina's Dress

Why, oh why, did Seung Mina choose to dress in that ridiculous maternity dress?

Was she pregnant? Was she not? Who even knew?

I bet you somebody would go up to her one day and say, "Seung Mina, what in your subconcious told you that wearing that would make you _not_ look like you're four months pregnant?"

And she would answer with a hesitant, "...I'm not sure," or something along those lines. Then she would stare at them for a few moments and then walk away as if trying to forget it ever happened.

So she was puttering around the Seung Dojo one morning in her pajama-esque whatever (A/N: Think... maternity dress, but without the pink part and the red bow.), rubbing her eyes of sleep, and she went to fetch the newspaper on the front lawn.

"But nameless author, I thought they were in the sixteenth century!" whines some nerd who actually cares. "They didn't _have_ newspapers back then!"

"Oh well!" replies the author nonchalantly, then continues with the fanfic.

There were no interesting headlines, so she looked over her shoulders and then giggled giddily as she ripped the comics from under the pile of papers. Even if she _was_ twenty-three, she still enjoyed reading the Sunday comics, and always made sure to take them so that that schmuck Yunsung didn't get them when he woke up.

She trotted back to her room to engross herself in the Funky Winkerbean and Garfield, and perhaps skim over the cross-word puzzle to see if she knew anything in it. And, oh! the Andy Capp!

It was about an hour later that Yunsung woke up, his hair orange and bright as the morning sun. He yawned loudly, blinking to adjust to the light wherever he was, since the author has yet to reveal his whereabouts. Let's say he was out to fetch the rest of the papers that Mina had left out there.

As he flipped through the various pages, he noticed that (gasp!) there were no comics. Were the publishers pulling his leg? Were there no comics that Sunday?

He was confused. But that was mostly because he was still sleepy and oblivious to most of the world.

Except he _wasn't_ oblivious to himself. Or the papers. Because he wanted the comics, darnit!

_There's only one other person who reads the comics in the Dojo!_ he reasoned, then wadded up the papers and threw them at a harmless bystander, who promptly screamed and ran away. "Seung-"

"Yunsung! I don't want to use the broom again!" shouted Han Myong, who stood at the doorway with a broom ready at hand.

Yunsung sputtered for a moment. "Buh... I meant... I'll get the paper, sir!" With that, he ran off to retrieve the paper, that was being chewed up by a stray dog. "Shoo!" But his attempts were futile, since the dog was starving and it decided it would like a taste of some Yunsung that morning.

Meanwhile, Seung Mina was still enjoying her comics, now at their breakfast table. She had long given up on the cross-word puzzle, for every answer eluded her so. But she was now switching between reading Peanuts and Garfield.

Han Myong walked back into the room, set the broom down leaning on the doorframe, and sat down to drink some coffee.

"Yunsung threw the paper away again," he said.

"Oh," replied Mina.

"Yup. You know, he's starting to take advantage of the fact that we let him stay here," grumbled the man, taking a deep sip of his coffe. Which was BLACK and full of coffee grinds. He immediatly spit it up, all over the comics page.

Mina dropped the comics in disgust and fear that the coffee would stain that half of her maternity dress. "Ah! Dad!" she said.

"Who made this coffee?" he asked, enraged.

"I think it was like, a week ago that it was my turn to make coffee for a week," she said, getting a paper towel to soak up the mess. "Yunsung's shift started two days... ago..."

As they looked at each other, since that random trailing off effect doesn't work all that well when I'm trying to do it, Yunsung bolted through the door and quickly shut it. Growling and barking could be heard on the other side.

"Yunsung! I'm going to kick you out if you can't make decent coffee and remember to clean the filter!" shouted Han Myong, so ready to use that broom right now. In fact, he set down his 'Foxy Grandpa' mug and marched right over to the broom and picked it up. The orange-haired... uh... boy cringed. "Out! OUT! Get out of my dojo!"

"AAAAAH!" screamed Yunsung, which would sound really annoying if it was the English guy voicing Yunsung. He jumped out a random open window and made a break for it.

_To think, this whole mess started over my 3p outfit,_ thought Seung Mina, shaking her head and sighing.


	2. Goals in Life

Chapter Two : Goals in Life

What the heck is up with his eyebrows? I really want to know how he styled them like that. Maxi, I mean. His eyebrows make him look like a beast, which he totally is. But they _are_ kind of freaky...

"Maxi, how did you get your eyebrows like that?" asked Kilik unsuspectingly one random day when they happened to be together.

Maxi glared at him. "Do you expect me to be able to explain everything?" he asked.

Kilik was a bit awkward about it for a moment. "...N...no...?"

"Well... I'll let the narrator tell you for five bucks," Maxi said quietly, motioning to Joe Narrator, who is the narrator, which is a little redundant.

Maybe when Maxi was a furling he decided to just go ahead and grow up so that his eyebrows were ridiculous and pointy. And he also decided that they would look better if they wafted in the wind. Because they so do.

In fact, in class, I bet while they were talking about their futures in Kindergarten, he randomly spouted the fact out!

"I want to be a fireman!" shouted Little Johnny.

"I want to fly to the moon!" cheered Little Suzie.

"I want to write totally biased and critical fanfictions!" Little Wolf cried joyously. (A/N: I'm not that old, though...)

"I want to grow the best eyebrows EVER!" yelled Little Maxi, not caring what the world thought of him, for he was a furling- a blank slate. He would scribe his own destiny!

...Ahem.

And, while he was still Little Maxi, he probably told everybody that he'd be the Dandy of the East Seas when he grew up.

"I'm going to be a fireman!" Little Johnny still shouted.

"Astronauts are so out, so I'm going to be a model!" Little Suzie said, being the ever-changing stereotypical little girl who will eventually become 'popular' and then get into the real world and fall apart little by little.

"I _still_ want to write biased and critical fanfictions!" Little Wolf said, restating her obvious goals in life.

"I shall become a pirate! And you shall all know me as the Dandy of the East Seas!" Maxi declared, pointing a finger upward.

A few years later, he most likely decided to use nunchucks and use crazy karate yells when he fought. Because a pirate's nothing if he can't fight.

"Firemen climb ladders!" exclaimed Johnny- who was not so little anymore- brightly.

"Models are unhealthy. I think I want to be an astronaut again!" whined Suzie who was also not so little anymore.

"Fanfictions... I don't need to say it again!" said Wolf who is going to stop growing now.

"I'm gonna be a pirate with crazy-cool eyebrows and nunchucks and yell like a madman when I fight!" proclaimed Maxi who was not so little as well. (A/N: Actually, that's the Japanese Maxi's goal, since the English voice actor is a little... blah.)

And then when he graduated, he told everybody his dreams and future goals! ...But it's not like you haven't already heard them enough.

"...And that's the story," Maxi chuckled. Then he held his hand out expectantly. "I'll just take those five dollars now..."

"But that story didn't tell me anything, other than you were an ambitious little kid!" Kilik whined. "_And_ that you had no motivation whatsoever to become the man you are today!"

"I'll tell ye my motivation... if you hand over them five bucks," said Maxi.

"And it didn't have the dynamics of a _true_ story. The beginning should have sucked me in, the middle should have had suspense exceeding a Harry Potter book, and the ending should have given me a strong sense of fulfillment!" Kilik continued.

"You can't always get what you want, Kilik," sighed Maxi, "But I sure do want those five dollars. And I know I can get that."

"Stop with the subliminal hints and take your stupid money!" yelled Kilik, throwing five dollars- in quarters- at Maxi and stomping off.

"Geez... What a tight-wad..." As he said that, he started picking up the coins and stuffing them into his jacket pockets.


	3. Just Say No

Chapter Three : Just Say No

You know somebody had to do it sometime. It was just waiting to creep out and then attack the hapless public. You just _knew_ that somebody would do something violent because they played Soul Calibur.

"The video game made me do it," whined a random young man, making a stupid excuse.

All of the Soul Calibur characters were led into court one rainy day, dressed up in suits and skirts, as the defendents. The person suing them was a seventeen-year-old boy who'd snapped somebody's neck after seeing it done by one of the SC characters.

"Please rise for the honorable Judge Phillips," said the baliff. Judge Phillips walked to his podium and took a seat, then slammed the gavel against the coaster-ish thing.

"You may be seated," he said in a sharp voice.

"The case of Nerdy McGee v. Soul Calibur may begin," the baliff said.

"The (insert title of sue-er here) may present his case. How do you plead, Namco?"

"Not guilty," said a Namco executive.

A smart-looking lawyer stood up tall, handling a stack of papers in doing so. "One Nerdy McGee states that, because he played Soul Calibur in the arcade, he killed someone. Doesn't he look innocent?"

Nerdy took off his glasses and made a puppy-dog face.

"How are we going to win against a testimony like THAT?" shouted Xianghua in bewilderment.

"Shh!" shushed most of the jury, who were made up of...

"Dead or Alive characters," sighed a Namco executive. "We haven't got a chance if Tecmo is the jury."

"Now, Nerdy, what were you doing on the night of the incident?" asked Nerdy's lawyer.

"I was playing at the arcade."

"What games did you play?"

"Pacman, Pong, L.A. Rush... and SOUL CALIBUR." He said the last two words loud enough for everybody in the courthouse to hear clearly. Several people in the audience gasped dramatically.

"Who did you play as?"

"TAKI!"

"OBJECTION!" screamed Namco's lawyer as Taki stood up in rage.

"Yes?" asked Judge Phillips.

"My client is not accountable for the actions of this child, Your Honor! He has NO RIGHT to accuse her of actually committing this crime, as he so obviously did!" shouted Namco's lawyer.

Judge Phillips raised an eyebrow. "Yes, we all know he committed the crime--we're just humoring him."

"...Oh. Well, I still object to his story. This is an outrage, Your Honor, because Taki, who was at a pool party at the time-" Taki darted her eyes around the room. "-and who was done with production of the game IN 1998, and was NOT at the scene of the crime, is not guilty!"

"While you hold a good point, Nerdy McGee _was_ playing Soul Calibur approximately twenty minutes before allegedly killing that man."

"ALLEGEDLY?" yelled Astaroth in a blind rage.

"Yes, Mr. Astaroth," the judge drawled.

Meanwhile, Nerdy's parents were discussing their son's actions.

"Nerdy's never even showns signs of rage towards other people," wept Geekette McGee, sobbing into her hands. "He's been a good boy! A good boy! All his life! It was never like this before!"

"There, there, Geekette," Spanky McGee said, trying to comfort his wailing wife. "Nerdy is going through an awkward stage in his development. It's all right."

"Our son killed another person, Spanky!"

Spanky blinked. "Well... yes. But that's not the point, Geekette. The point is, Nerdy _is_ a good boy and he _will_ win this trial."

"How so?"

Spanky rubbed his fingers together. "We McGee's are quite abundant in... _moolah._"

"Oh, you didn't... Spanky, how could you?"

The judge slammed his gavel against the coaster-esque thingy-doodle. "Jury, decide or whatever."

As the DoA characters filed into a back room, the Namco lawyer approached his clients.

"How does it look for us?" asked a concerned Talim, looking like a shivering, timid chiuaua. "Is it bad?"

"Well... if we were a grapefruit, and Nerdy was a hammar..." the Namco lawyer started, but an executive stopped him.

"Look, don't make this more complex than it already is. Besides, Namco has _plenty_ of money."

"How much were they suing us for?" asked Taki.

The executive checked a program and adjusted his glasses. "Upwards of two-million dollars."

There was an awkward silence afterwards.

"Hey, you know who I haven't seen all day?" Maxi said, rubbing his chin. "That weird Yoshimitsu guy."

"He had a job to do with Tekken," Xianghua told him. "Something about time travel and the 'space-time continuum', whatever that is."

"Must be important and time-consuming if he missed our trial," Kilik mused.

Very suddenly, the doors of the courtroom opened and in walked Yoshimitsu, in a fancy business suit. As he walked, he adjusted his headdress and looked around, freaking a few people out with his scary glowing eyes.

"Sorry I'm late, I was busy," he said, then took a seat next to Nightmare, who eyed him accusingly.

"What have you been doing all this time?" Nightmare asked him, crossing his arms. He started tapping his deformed hand's talons against his armor.

"I was _busy_," Yoshimitsu repeated, pulling an overly-stuffed manila folder from his suit. He silently slipped it to the Namco lawyer, who flipped through it and made several dramatic faces before looking like an eager-beaver and presenting it to the judge.

"Goodness me," gasped Judge Phillips. "This is...!"

"Yes, one of my clients uncovered this and, frankly, the news _is_ rather shocking," chuckled the lawyer heartily. "I'll have you see that that is _no_ Soul Calibur machine." He looked over his shoulder at the emerging DoA characters.

"We've come to a conclusion, You Honor," said Tina. "And we find the defendent-"

"Hold up, Ms. Armstrong," said Judge Phillips. "Our evidence shows that Nerdy wasn't playing on a Namco-lisenced arcade machine."

"What?" said the DoA characters as ONE BIG ODOR.

"He was _actually_ playing on... a _Tecmo_ machine," the Namco lawyer said. "And he was nowhere near the Soul Calibur game, since in this particular arcade, there are _no_ Namco-lisenced games in the vacinity. As the evidence clearly shows, Nerdy was playing the original Dead or Alive twenty minutes before killing that person. Why, the closest Namco-carrying arcade is _two blocks_ away from that spot!"

Several of the Tecmo characters gaped and looked at each other in horror.

"Yaaaay!" cheered Xianghua, jumping into the air like a Power Ranger or a Sailor Scout. They're kind of interchangeable.

"Nerdy, why did you lie to the court, the judge, your family, Namco, and the general public?" asked Spanky of his son.

"Because I... I lost a game of Soul Calibur II to a... a GIRL! All right, there! I said it! I've hated Soul Calibur ever since!" Nerdy cried over-dramatically as many people in the audience gasped.

Then the Namco executives, lawyer, and characters started to party-hardy. But one question nagged in the back of everybody's minds.

It was Ivy who asked: "But where did you get this shocking evidence, Yoshimitsu?"

"I have my sources," chuckled the Japanese man.

_Meanwhile, several light years away, in the grand year of 2005..._

"Hahaha! Take THAT, you snot-nosed punk!" jeered Heihachi, putting his thumb to his nose and waggling the rest of his fingers as he watched the boy break down on television. "That's what you get for saying I was the sissiest character in Tekken!" He proceeded to laugh maliciously at the boy's expense.

_Back in 16-whatever..._

"Well, I think we've all learned a great lesson/moral from this experience," said Hwang inspiringly to his comrades.

"What's that?" they asked.

"When wanting to copy something you see on a video game that you think you can pull off and you'd be the shizz-nizz for," he paused dramatically. "Just say no."

The SC cast shared a good hearty chuckle as sakura blossoms flew by on the wind. Then they turned into a drawing.

They started moving again and stopped chuckling.

"Okay... that was stupid," muttered Cassandra. "We shouldn't do that anymore..."

"Well, we tried it and it just didn't work," Rock said, nodding in agreement. "So now that we know it doesn't work, we _won't_ do it anymore."

Then they started mingling casually as if nothing had happened.

_Aftermath:_

The nice folks at Namco can rest easy now, for they won the trial. Oh, happy day!

The McGees distrusted Nerdy for the rest of their lives. Oh well- they were just random original filler characters, anyway. (shrugs)

Tecmo went on trial about two weeks later with Nerdy, and were found guilty of being a bad influence. For their punishment, all the girls had breast-reductions and all of them were forced to tone down the violence to only hitting each other with _one_ move. The ESRB has rated their latest game 'eC' for 'Early Childhood', since it has a built-in dictionary of all fighting terms and even most of Webster's Dictionary packed into it, along with many fun learning games starring Kasumi and her buddies.

The cast of Soul Calibur were free to party-hardy like there was no tomorrow, and had a grand old time making fun of Dead or Alive afterwards. Oh, they sure slay me!

_Epilogue:_

"Was it really right to have those girls be embarrassed like that?" asked Mitsurugi as they were having a big party one night in a big mansion. "I mean... if we had Taki get a breast-reduction-"

"_Excuse_ me?" gasped an astonished Taki.

"-Hypothetically speaking, of course," he added quickly. "Wouldn't she be less appealing to the gaming audience and nobody would ever play our games again?"

"Hey, Sophitia's are bigger than her head, talk to her," Taki grumbled.

"She hasn't said _anything_ this whole chapter. I wonder where she is, anyway...?"

Meanwhile...

"OH GREAT ARES, TAKE THIS SACRIFICE AS A SIGN OF MY LOYALTY!" called Astaroth to the heavens, holding up his battle axe, to which Sophitia was tied and gagged to. He then added as an afterthought: "I COULDN'T GET A VIRGIN, BUT THIS WAS THE BEST I COULD DO FOR YOU, MY LORD!"

"Mmmmmph!" she screamed in muffled terror.


	4. Talims Somewhat Perfect Day

Chapter Four : Talim's Somewhat Perfect Day

Talim opened her eyes one bright Fillipino morning. Boy, did she feel great! She could _tell_ that this was going to be a good day from just sitting up in bed!

She threw back her pink blankets and hopped out of bed to go and feed her little bird. "Good morning, Alun!" she said cheerfully, putting some mixed bird seed into a little dish in his stereotypical bird cage (you know the one you always see parrots in when you go into the pet store? Yup) then smiled at him as he tweeted and hopped down to the food and began pecking at it.

After getting dressed and making up her bed, she went into the kitchen where her whole entire family (comprised of her parents and grandmother) were waiting for her at the table with her place already set with eggs, bacon, toast, and orange juice.

_Wow! What a splendiferous day!_ thought Talim happily, eating politely.

She helped her mom with the dishes and then went outside to frolic in the morning sun and maybe do other things a fifteen-year-old girl would do.

She stopped frolicking when she reached a hill that overlooked the entire village. Breathing in the clean air, she smiled warmly and watched as several butterflies fluttered around her before she sat down to enjoy the view.

"My, this day has been wonderful!" she said to herself. "Why, the only way this could get any better would be if-"

"Excuse me, but would you like this big cake that I just made but couldn't possibly eat?" asked a random neighbor of hers.

"I couldn't possibly take that!" Talim said, holding up her hands.

"I'd be insulted if you DIDN'T," chuckled the neighbor, then shoved the cake into her hands.

"Thank you!" giggled Talim, but then she looked troubled. "But... I don't have anything to eat it with..."

The neighbor whipped out a fork and knife, along with a plate. "There you go!"

"You've got to be the best neighbor ever!"

"What a nice girl you are!" chuckled the neighbor, blushing. "Well, I'm afraid I've got to go. See you later."

"Good-bye," called Talim, then ate the cake in portions. She wouldn't want an upset stomach on such a perfect day! She only ate about two-thirds of it, and had the whole big bottom half left, but she figured she'd save that for another day as a momento to this wonderous day. "Nobody can ruin this day. Absolutely... nobody!"

But she was taken aback as a shadowy figure walked up behind her and made her jump and nearly topple down the hill. "Oh! You startled me!" She giggled. "But I'm sure you didn't mean to."

The only reply she got was a questioning one in a garbled language that she didn't understand.

"Um... excuse me?" she asked.

The person repeated what they'd previously said. Talim figured it was a man by the bulging muscles in his right arm and the way it stood, even if it was a creepy suit of armor.

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that..."

Nightmare rolled his eyes. Humans were so annoying. "I _said_: I WILL TAKE YOUR SOUL, YOU PATHETIC GIRL," he said for the third time. She replied in Fillipino, and he was sure that he was never going to get through to her now. "Fine, you know what? I'll just TAKE THIS CAKE."

He did take the cake, and then opened his visor and wolfed the whole thing down right there, making sure to savor the taste so that it would be THAT MUCH more painful for the little girl. She looked heartbroken.

"There! I didn't want to do that but you forced me to!" shouted Nightmare, irate. "That's what you get for not being multi-lingual! I walk in your land and yet, you cannot speak a hint of English!" But then he remembered that _he_ wasn't speaking English _either_. "Oh, right... GERMAN."

Talim was sad now. This big guy had just ruined her PERFECT DAY! That was rather mean of him...

"Hey! Why'd you do that, you big meanie?" she DEMANDED of him. She didn't care if she had to be rude- this man needed to EXPLAIN his actions!

He chuckled, then turned to leave, bidding her farewell in that odd language of his. She just glared at his back until he was gone.

"Argh! This has been the WORST DAY of my LIFE!" screamed Talim, pulling on her own braids. "That armored FA-REAK will PAY!" And she chased after him, pummeled him, and got her revenge.

Talim must have sensed the change in the winds, for she looked to the sky and smiled.


	5. Spinny

A/N: Okay... this has absolutely nothing to do with the story, but...

Does anyone else notice that Nightmare has a tail in his 1p SCII outfit? It's really gross and creepy.

Chapter Five : Spinny

One day Ivy and Nightmare were standing on opposite sides of a room for absolutely no reason. Actually, in the past when they worked together, they actually found it quite nice to be friends.

But now it was hard to think that they liked each other as much as they once might have had.

"So..." started Ivy. "How's that whole 'devouring souls' thing coming along?"

Nightmare narrowed his eyes in malicious delight. "Just a few more and I shall be revived!" He then cackled creepily like Nobuyuki Hiyama.

Suddenly, the door crashed open and the third of the evil trio arrived. He had a large package tucked under one of his arms and, as he stomped in, he tossed it to the floor between where Ivy and Nightmare were standing. "WORMS!" he shouted. "I HAVE PURCHASED A FUN PARTY GAME. IT IS CALLED 'TWISTER'!"

Ivy and Nightmare stared at him.

"Not to burst your bubble, but evil villains do _not_ play 'fun party games', fool," Nightmare said darkly. "Take it back and ask for a refund." Then Ivy and Astaroth stared at him for saying something so peaceful. "I mean... Take it back and DEMAND that you get your money back!"

"WELL, I WOULD, BUT THE STORE JUST CLOSED AND IT DOESN'T OPEN UNTIL TOMORROW AT TEN O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING."

"Curse the public solicitation system!" Nightmare lifted his funky arm to the heavens and somehow, flames crackled in the background. "SOULS! Come unto me!"

Nobody said anything.

"Just lay it out, Astaroth," Ivy sighed, motioning for him to do so. "It could be rather fun." Of course, Ivy had had a Twister-deprived childhood, so she was eager to find out just what this whole Twister thing was about. "Nightmare, since you don't want to play, spin the spinner."

Nightmare was taken aback. "But I don't _want_ to spin the spinner. Make Astaroth do it."

"No. You don't want to play, so since you're the odd man out, you _have_ to spin the spinner. It's common sense, you dunce."

"Well, what if I _do_ want to play, then?" snapped Nightmare. "Who will spin the spinner _then_? Hm? Hm? I hear no answer."

Just then, the doors burst open again and Cervantes leapt in like a lunatic. "ARR!" he arr'd, swinging his swords about and coming to a stop only to glare at the three before him. "Well, I'll be a yellow-bellied cockatiel from Switzarland!" he said, laughing loudly. "It be Twister! Move over and let me have a go!" He pushed past Nightmare and then gave him a quick glance. "Ah. I s'ppose the freak with the arm's gonna be the spinner?"

Before Nightmare could reply with, "No, I am _definitely not_ going to be the spinner", Cervantes picked up the thin piece of cardboard with the color wheel and shoved it into Nightmare's hands.

"Spin it, spinner!" shouted the pirate. "Since I don't know ye name, I think I'll just call you SPINNY! YAR HAR HAR HAR!" He then wiped away a humorous tear.

Of course Nightmare definitely did NOT think this was funny, so, in his shock and anger, he simply dropped the spinner board on the ground. The other three didn't seem to notice, but when he stomped onto the spinner board with an armor-clad foot, they had to look because... well, armor has a distinct sound, you know.

"Why did you go and do that?" asked Ivy.

"Because I am _definitely not_ the spinner!" he replied. "And my name is NOT Spinny, you fool! My name is Nightmare, and I shall be your WORST nightmare should you get on my bad side! I AM Soul Edge!" He cackled like Nobuyuki Hiyama again. Red energy crackled through his right arm, and, as he lifted Soul Edge above his head, they could have sworn a nearby window showed a desolate landscape with lightning flashing in the background whilst the rest of the windows had a cheerful evening scene behind them.

The others were silent for a few moments.

"COME ON, SPINNY, YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO," Astaroth said.

"YOU CONCEITED... GOLEM!" bellowed Nightmare, pointing at Astaroth. "I DARE YOU TO USE THAT NAME TO ADDRESS ME ONCE MORE!"

"Don't get mad, Spinny," Ivy said.

He lifted Soul Edge over his head and, as he was preparing to strike her down, the doors opened yet again, and who of all people should be there? Why, Taki, of course.

In his distraction, Nightmare fell backwards onto the floor from the weight of the broad-sword.

"Taki?" the villanous quadrilateral said.

"Yeah. I guess I'm evil now," she said, shrugging. As an afterthought, she said, "HOO!" and threw a smoke-bomb, only to appear standing right next to Astaroth when the smoke cleared. "Oh, Twister."

"Yeah, we were _just_ about to play, but you and Nightmare ruined our fun," Ivy said.

"How did **I** ruin the fun?" growled Nightmare, getting up.

"You refused to play it in the first place."

"I think Twister's for immature people who have no intelligence, anyway," sighed Taki, crossing her arms over her chest and looking away as if it was just THAT troublesome to even LOOK at the three people who wanted to actually play Twister. "I mean, who would really _willingly_ play Twister?"

The golem, psuedo-dominatrix, and pirate all avoided looking at her.

"It's a game for ages three-through-fifteen, and, as far as I can tell, you're all too old for this," Taki continued.

"I'M ONLY SEVEN," Astaroth told her.

"Well... _most_ of you are too old for this," she corrected herself. "So, if you don't mind, I'll just leave you immature people to your immature games and take my leave."

"I didn't want to play it," Nightmare said as IF IT MATTERED. "Evil people don't play Twister, you know."

"Ah. Seems you're the only other one in this room who has _some_ brains," scoffed Taki. "Unlike those three, who all wear leather at some point."

"You... you wear spandex," Nightmare pointed out.

"That is beside the point," Taki said calmly, crossing her arms again. "This is a special Spandex Full-Body Suit design from Kohl's, and therefore it is superior to all non-Kohl's spandex full-body suits."

"I see."

"I should hope you would, you having several eyes and whatnot."

"Indeed."

With that, the ninja left them to mull over the previous happenings.

"Well, she has a point, I suppose," sighed Ivy.

"I _told_ you you should have taken it back," Nightmare said in a mocking tone to Astaroth.

The golem only glared at him, his white eyes narrowed at the azure knight.

"Nightmare..." Ivy said in a 'warning' tone. "I swear, if you do _not_ stop acting so childish, I will personally make sure you will not act as such ever AGAIN."

"How so?"

"By killing you, I'd assume, Spinny," Cervantes said.


	6. Merry Christmas

Chapter Six : Merry Christmas

Despite most of the characters of Soul Calibur belonging to religions other than that of the Christian faith, they celebrated Christmas that year regardless. Yes, even the evil undead people and Charade did! Necrid... no... because... well...

Necird died in an unfortunate realty accident.

Oh well.

Anyway, the Three Musketeers (Xianghua, Kilik, and Maxi) were gathered around some brightly-wrapped presents on Christmas day, as they were all sharing the merriment with each other.

"Merry Christmas, Kiliku!" said Xianghua like Aya Hisakawa, handing Kilik a big box. He opened it, to find another box. Opening that one, he found yet another box, and this cycle continued until he got down to a very small box that looked like it couldn't hold anything except...

"Oh... how thoughtful," he sighed, looking at the television remote from several angles. "Umm... not to burst your bubble, Xianghua, but... we don't have a TV."

Xianghua's face fell. "I knew I forgot something!"

Maxi cleared his throat. "Well, I didn't know what ye liked, so I forced that little girl with the braids to make you cookies. Enjoy the gift that keeps on giving," he said, handing them both baggies full of cookies.

"Thanks, Maxi," said Xianghua. She gave him a present. "And this is for you!"

He opened it, then gave her an odd look. "Buttons?"

"Look, that jacket's not providing you with any warmth and someday, somewhere, you'll _need_ those buttons," she said, and Kilik snapped his fingers like a ghetto woman to back her up.

Then he handed them each a gift. "Much like Maxi, I, too, did not know your preferences, so I just... I just put gold in the boxes," he admitted.

"Well, well, well, that's gotta be the best present I've gotten all year!" chuckled Maxi, shoving the money into a pocket.

"Yes, thank you, Kiliku," said Xianghua, doing the same, even if she doesn't have pockets.

Then Maxi opened a bottle of champagne and they drank the night away.

_Meanwhile..._

Hwang had gotten Christmas off and was at the Seung Dojo with Yunsung, Han Myong, and Seung Mina.

"Well, during my travels and time defending our country," he said, "I could not afford to carry packages with me. So I got you all decorative greeting cards from Hallmark's."

"How... thoughtful," said Han Myong, taking one.

"Golly gee, this is the best Christmas _ever_," said Seung Mina sarcastically.

"..." said Yunsung, because... well, I couldn't think of what he could potentially say. I don't really like him all that much...

"Before any of you ask, _yes_, I did get you all coffee mugs," said Han Myong, taking several colorful mugs out from behind his back and presenting them to everyone in turn.

Mina looked at her "World's Greatest Little Zanbatou Weilder" mug with an arched eyebrow; Hwang sighed, looking at his mug with mixed feelings; again, Yunsung didn't say anything.

"I got Hwang a new pair of pants," said Seung Mina, handing the pants over. "And for Yunsung, I got him a hat." She put the hat on Yunsung's head and pushed it to the side a bit so it would be level. "Daddy, I got you... a coffee mug!" She gave her father a "Greatest Daddy Ever" mug.

Yunsung sighed. "Well... I'm sorry, but the only thing I knew you all liked was food... so I forced Talim to make you all cookies." He gave them all a tin of cookies each.

"Oh, Yunsung!" said the others, then they shared a hearty chuckle.

_Meanwhile..._

"WORMS!" shouted Astaroth. "WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW WHAT I GOT YOU FOR YOUR HOLIDAY SEASON?"

"Don't tell me it's another one of your--" started Nightmare, but Ivy elbowed him in the face, causing him to fall to the ground in shock. "Ah!"

"Yes, Astaroth, we would," she said coolly.

"WELL, I GOT SPINNY A NEW BOTTLE OF EYEDROPS FOR HIS VARIOUS EYES AND SOUL EDGE'S EYE," said Astaroth, presenting the eyedrops to Nightmare, who took the bottle and shoved it in an imaginary pocket. "AND FOR YOU, TALL LADY, I GOT YOU A BOOK ON THE HISTORY OF WHIPS AND LEATHER."

As Ivy took the book, she smiled. "Why, thank you, Astaroth. How kind of you. Spinny, what did you get us?"

"I got you both dictionaries," he said, shrugging.

"THANK YOU. NOW I CAN..." He looked up a word. "'EXTEND' MY VOCABULARY. HA! IT'S ALREADY WORKING!"

"Gee, you shouldn't have," sneered Ivy.

"Well, then, _give it back_," snapped Nightmare. "You know, if you really hate it all that much--" But before he could say anymore, Ivy shoved a package into his arms. "Oh, for me?" He ripped it open, to reveal a picture of the three of them (which had been clearly doctored, in his opinion) together. He almost felt a tear well up in his eye.

Almost.

"And I got the same for you, Astaroth," said Ivy, handing the golem a picture as well.

"HOW TOUCHING."

"Yes, don't you think?"

They both laughed, while Nightmare thought of how foolish they both were.

_Meanwhile..._

"I made you all cookies!" said Talim, skipping into a room with a tray of cookies haphazardly sitting on her arm, as her other arm was bundled around various small present. "I hope you like them! They're chocolate-chip!"

"Thank you, Talim!" said her mother.

"And here's your present, Mom!" Talim gave her mother the gift.

This process was repeated until all of Talim's family had presents, because the author is lazy.

"Merry Christmas!" they all cheered, giving each other hugs and being happy and generally a big, happy, hugging family.

_Meanwhile..._

"Sophitia, Merry Christmas!" Cassandra said, giving her sister a present.

"Oh! Oh... what is it?" asked Sophitia, somewhat confused.

"...It's a new set of armor..." her little sister replied as if it was obvious.

Sophitia smiled. "Thank you, Cassie. It's very considerate."

"For Pyrhha, I got _this_," said Cassandra. She gave a box to her neice. "Then, for P... you, I got this." She gave a box to her nephew.

"Oooh! Thanks, Aunt Cassie!" they chorused, the neice holding an Athenean Barbie and her nephew holding a plastic sword.

"You're welcome."

Rothian looked a little disappointed and expectant. "Hey, what about me?"

"Oh, yeah." said Cassandra, then left it at that. He looked hurt. "Nah, I'm just kiddin', Rothian! Brighten up!" She gave him a neatly-wrapped package.

As he opened it, a look of happiness crossed his face. "It's a new... a new hammer!"

"Yes, I noticed that the other one was looking as if it would fall apart at any moment, so I got this for you," replied Cassandra.

Sophitia gave Cassandra a small pile of gifts, each one labled from somebody in the room that _wasn't_ Cassandra. "We all got you something too!"

"I couldn't possibly open all of these in the limited space we have to take up!" her sister said, laughing.

Then they all laughed together for a while.

_Meanwhile..._

"Well, since we're the only ones left, do you think we should celebrate as well?" asked Mitsurugi. He, Taki, Cervantes, Charade, Yoshimitsu, Rock, and anybody I might have forgotten were standing around like noobs.

"Umm... NO," replied Rock.

They all chuckled warmly.

_Several hours later..._

All of the characters were all standing in a snow-covered field with warm clothing (scarves, jackets, sweaters, etc...) on.

"God bless us, everyone!" said Cassandra.

Then they all engaged in caroling.

"_Jingle bells, jingle bells,_

_Jingle all the way!_

_Oh what fun it is to ride in a oooone hooorse ooopeeeen sleeeeiiiiigh!_"

_The End_


	7. Necrid the Realter

Chapter Seven : Necrid the Realter

Perhaps I should elaborate.

Necrid, after being 'let go' by Namco, was very depressed and lonely. He was out of a job. He made no more money. He had no home (since Namco so graciously provided its cast members with houses; what nice people) to go back to. His friends all abandoned him. (Of course, now was a good time to wonder if he _really_ had any friends or not.)

But I digress.

For Necrid now had no calling. It was his JOB to be the creepy guy who copied everybody's moves with a strange glowing ball of energy. It was his CALLING to be the orange guy with the mask (Necrid, who is full of Vitamin C!). It was his LIVING to beat up a small girl with braids who so blatantly deceived her opponents into thinking that she was a small, defensless child by being so adorable.

But now... now he had nothing! Oh, the lament of Necrid!

However! as he was walking so depressedly down the cold, damp street that miserably rainy day, he found a boy selling newspapers, waving them in people's faces.

"Come on, it's only three cents!" he said to a man who gave him a particularly nasty glare. As the man walked away, he muttered, "Fine, jerkwad... see if that doesn't stop the Mafia from taggin' yer as--"

"Excuse me, kind young gentleman," said Necrid, but of course it came out as a series of grunts and growls. "May I purchase a periodical from you...?"

The boy stared up at him. "...HOLY CRAP," he said in wonderment. "Who are you?"

"Why, my name is Necrid," said Necrid.

"Umm... what? Okay, whatever... three cents for a paper," said the boy, adjusting to the situation rather... well, Necrid thought. The giant orange handed over three pennies and the boy gave him a paper. "Th-thanks. Err... yeah."

"Indeed," replied Necrid, continuing down the sidewalk. He opened the paper as he sat on the curb. "Oh, if only I had other talents than being a very hideously giant orange..." he lamented. "There must be _something_ I'm good at--! I mean, I can scare people into doing practically ANYTHING, but... hey..."

He'd spotted a help-wanted ad that read, _Skamyoo Realty, LTD, is looking for strapping young gentleman to be newest realter. Must be persuasive. For job interview call 555-7890._

_Well, now_, he thought. _I'll probably need a resúmé of some sort..._ He picked up a discarded, yet dry, piece of paper on the side of the road. _Name: Necrid... Experience? ...Has been in the Soul series of fighting games. Knows how to get people to do things without much effort. Good at persuasion. _He continued writing everything down until the entire page was filled up. "Horjah! I shall be the only Soul Calibur II character IN EXISTANCE to have had a job outside of Namco!"

Apparently, he didn't know about Ivy's job at the flower shop, Xianghua's brief job at a MacDonald's, and Nightmare's current job, which was being a clerk at a Bargain Wall.

But that is irrelevant.

What is relevant is that he got the job, made more money than he ever did working for Namco, and eventually learned sign language and purchased a cabana in the Bahamas. Life was good for Necrid now. He even had a roommate: Lizardman! Not evil Lizardman from Soul Calibur III, but GOOD Aeon Calcos Lizardman from Soul Calibur.

Unfortunately, this could not last. Necrid, as stated in a previous chapter, died in a realty accident.

What could have possibly gone wrong, you ask?

Well... I'll let you see.

Necrid was standing outside of a house that had a picket sign in the front lawn that said "For Sale" in bold, white letters on a red backdrop, with the Skamyoo Realty, LTD, logo (which was, for some odd reason, a picture of the Sun with sunglasses on) in the far left corner.

A girl dressed entirely in green with wild blue-green hair came up to him. "Hey!" she said, "Is this house for sale?"

He wrote something down on a notepad he carried with him wherever he went, just in case people didn't know sign language. "Yes," said the paper.

"Well, see, my boss an' his... err... 'family' needs a new place of, erm... 'residence,'" she said nervously, looking over her shoulder every few seconds, as if looking for persuers. "And, uhh, this house looks pretty convenient and inconspicuous, don't you think? Yeah, pretty innocent house, if you ask me."

"I didn't ask you," replied the paper. Oh, it's not talking. It's what's written down. "But, yes. Very innocent. Except it was owned by a mass-murderer recently. He was taken to jail just the other day..."

The girl got a crazy glint in her purple eyes. "_Mass-murderer_, you say...?" She also smiled, which, in turn, made her eyes widen about a centimeter. "Well, then... We'll just... TAKE IT!" she screeched, slicing Necrid in two with her ring blade.

"HOLY CRAP!" said a random passer-by, but he just continued walking down the street.

Incidentally, that was exactly what Necrid was thinking the moment the blade cut into his orange, scaly flesh.

His funeral was held a week later, and Aeon Calcos Lizardman attended it, tears filling his large, yellow eyes; he was wearing a flowery veil over his face.

Tira, Nightmare, Ivy, and Astaroth moved into the house on that same day, and held a cocktail party at their success. However, before they could become horribly drunk, Hwang (for some reason) crashed through the door with an elite S.W.A.T. team. They were taken to jail and were found guilty of Necrid's death. (Well, _Tira_ was. The rest were bailed out by Cervantes, because Ivy used her only phone call wisely.)

Everybody else went on with their lives, blissfully unaware at the murder of a previous SC character. Oh well. It's not really like anybody liked Necrid anyway. (A/N: If you actually do, I'm really sorry.)


	8. The Simple Life With Isabella

Chapter Eight : The Simple Life With Isabella

It was a normal day in wherever the heck Ivy currently was. No, nobody rightfully knew. But let's say she's in her big pretty mansion. But not in the room where there's those big creepy paintings. Nope. She was on a balcony, which sat peacefully overlooking her big maze in her unnecessarily large backyard.

Of course they were all rose bushes. They were trimmed to symmetrical perfection, too. Couldn't have uneven rose bushes now could you? No. You couldn't.

Especially not if they're owned by Ivy.

"What a lovely day," she said, setting a delicate china tea-cup down on her glass deck table. Yes, the very best was available when you had the wills of BOTH your parents (real or otherwise) backing you up. Oh, the simple pleasures in life... "I honestly don't believe it could get any better. But then, that joke was used a long time ago." She waved it off with one of her silk-glove clad hands.

"Indeed," said Raphael, popping in out of nowhere. He was dressed in typical Frenchy fashion, with a high collar and whatnot. "Fair Ivy, I don't think there's a rose by any other name."

"How Shakespearian of you," Ivy said, giggling a little.

Then Raphael went back to wherever it is French evil people go. Possibly to France.

A passing maid saw this and ran down the hallway, terrified.

"Oh, it's already half-past a freckle," said Ivy, standing up and fluffing out her large red dress. "I'd better go and have the chefs make a grand meal. For me and me alone..." Sappy music started up in the background, but she walked out of the room and it was cancelled out now.

The halls were lined with portraits of past Valentine heirs and heiresses; the very end of it had a picture of Ivy herself. But then, that was typical. FOR HER. Yes, for her.

"Chefs, it's time for dinner," she told the men in ridiculous chef-hats who mulled about in the kitchens.

Has anybody ever wondered what chefs actually do in there all day? I mean, in the hours it takes to go from lunch to dinner? If they're only making food for one person? Oh, the mystery of the chef...

"Oui oui madomoiselle," said one in a really bad French accent, spelling that last word wrong. Ah... well. "Dinner will be ready soon."

Then Ivy went into the dining room, which was a few hallways down. You'd think they would place the kitchens and the dining room adjacent to each other, but... no. I suppose not everybody uses common sense, especially when you're in the fifteen-hundreds. I mean, there was that whole silly war that the author can't think off the top of her head but definitely happened took place, as that's around the time when several wars happened. I think. Eh. Whatever.

"Oh the lonely life of a lonely heiress," she sighed, fiddling with a salad fork on a lacey place-mat at the dining room table. "I suppose I'll just have to live out my days alone. ALONE. Oh, the lament of Ivy..."

Why she was referring to herself in the third person was questionable, but her dinner arrived shortly after her short monologue.

The waiter-people set out dozens of plates. For every large stuffed pig there were a dozen hard-boiled eggs (all in those little egg-holders). They poured red and white wine, and even some water just if she wasn't in the mood for wine. Then they put up the centerpiece (they took it down because it was a Valentine family heirloom, you see) and lit the chandelier above the table.

And Ivy commenced in eating two lobsters, three caesar salads, one chicken's drumstick, a plateful of turkey stuffing, four pieces of pie, a bowl of soup, and a few other things that sound really delicious but you can't afford for the life of you.

"Mm-mm, good," she said, covering her mouth as she belched loudly. "Teehee. Oopsy-a-poopsy." She stumbled away from the table, having downed a few glasses of wine, and up the stairs to her bedroom.

"Night night, don't let the bugs bite," said Maxi randomly through her window, and then he disappeared into some sort of abyss. Oh, he'll be back, it was just convenient that it was right outside of Ivy's house.

"And so ends another day," said Ivy in a drunken daze. "Put up all your toys; it's not time to play. I enjoyed my time with you, it was a blast. Although I hate to see you leave, you'd better leave fast! I'll pull out my sword, and give you a nasty wound. I'll see you again; say, about noon?"

And, as she collapsed on her bed, the fic... ended.

_The End_ (see?)


	9. The Aftermath of Jobs

A/N: This isn't the funniest of chapters, but I've had a lot of stress at school lately (we just got back last Monday), and it's kind of hindering my ability to write humorous fanfics. I also have a bad headache, I'm somewhat sick, and I have a horrible cold (which doesn't have to do anything with me being sick), that and I'm just about to go to bed.

Sorry if I've made this a ranting author's note... I try to avoid it (unlike in Randumbness... (shudders)) as much as I can in this fanfic... But, since I was running late on my update schedule I decided I'd just sit down and write things all day. This is what my brain conceived:

qpqpqp

dbdbdb

Chapter Nine : The Aftermath of Jobs

I mentioned in Chapter Seven that other members of the cast of SC had jobs, correct? Why, yes. I do believe I did.

ANYWAY, besides the ones listed (including Necrid's realty job), it turns out that every _other_ cast member also has a job of some sort. I feel so silly for not knowing!

(This will be in 'Aftermath' format.)

Astaroth's job, however embarrassing it was, was to be the Jolly Green Giant from all those cans of beans you see. Now, they take a picture of Astaroth with an olive-branch on his head and a leaf toga and alter it SO MUCH until he looks like the Jolly Green Giant we all know and get freaked out by because he is just so jolly! Or maybe you love him, but what do I know?

Aeon Calcos Lizardman, after being in Soul Calibur, decided to take up a job as a waiter at a Red Lobster. He gets paid a little less than he does at Namco, but he doesn't care. Mainly because he's a lizardman. An Aeon Calcos Lizardman, who just wants to help himself! (weeps for Aeon Calcos Lizardman) ...Okay. I'm done.

Evil Lizardman could be seen in The Chronicles of Narnia. But you have to look closely or you'll miss him. He's also starred in several Geico commercials when the regular gecko is sick. His superiors say that he has talent.

Kilik, shortly after finishing SCIII, signed a contract with a nameless company. Said nameless company is, incidentally, actually named Nameless Company. Funny, because I thought it was _nameless_.

Xianghua, as you know, once had a job at a MacDonald's. She was fired for scaring small children with her constant shouts of 'just kidding', after which she went into a deep depression. One day she randomly gained the energy and enthusiasm to work again and then got a job at a Burger King. She is currently Employee of the Month for the sixth time in one year because of her good work ethic.

Maxi didn't really have a job, per se, but it got him money. You see, him being a pirate and all (or, at least, like he _once was_, thanks to a certain person coughKilikcough), he doesn't need a job. But since his crew was killed like, a long time ago, he decided that he needed a new one. So he hired several people, and now they sail the Seven Seas looting every boat they come across.

Hwang served a short time in prison for taking too many sick days and such from the military. So after that, he wasn't able to serve in it again for some reason. He went on vacation for a few days before going back to the Seung Dojo for a while and searched the help-wanted ads in the newspapers for a time before finally finding an opening at the local police department. He quickly rose through the ranks and became a S.W.A.T. officer. Yay Hwang!

Yunsung did stuff until he got bored. Then he decided to protest boots on the stand that they were 'uncomfortably large'. His protests didn't go on long before they were entirely ignored and he gave that up quicker than he gave boots up (that taking several years and all). He now sponsers sandals and looks like some sort of warped form of Tidus from Final Fantasy X.

Seung Mina still lives with her father and, although she doesn't admit it, is a total daddy's girl. Even though she is such, she has a part-time job as an employee at a Bargain Wall. She promotes the store's cheap prices and the fact that it is a fifty-foot wall of bargains, bargains, bargains! She appears in many commercials for said wall of bargains.

You know what Nightmare does. He spins! (chuckles heartilly) But besides that, he works at Bargain Wall as a check-out clerk.

You also know what Ivy does. I should HOPE you would, as it was talked about like, not even two chapters ago.

Seigfried, after the constant jokes of 'WHERE'S ROY?', decided to kill the Seigfried who started this horrible, horrible pun with his stage shows. He hired a specially-trained ninja assassin to take him out, and, unexpectedly, the ninja was mauled by a white tiger. Incidentally, this tiger happened to be the wife of the one who mauled Roy.

Tira, who had many skills what with being not ONLY an assassin, but ALSO a ballerina, decided to go on tour with the Russian Ballet for a few months before they decided that she wasn't just a ballerina but a crazy ballerina and left her in a restaurant while they all jumped into their big bus and drove off. She then signed a contract with a car dealership in southern Arkansas and goes by the alias of "Miss Arkansas", and appears on many, many billboards on the side of the road.

Setsuka signed a contract with a modelling agency. She didn't get very far before people spread very nasty and mean rumors about her, and then she retired. She lives a peaceful life in the Bahamas as we speak.

Zasalamel didn't really do anything for like, five months before he was hired by Satan to replace Death who had a broken leg. He enjoys his job and works for ninety-nine souls an hour.

Mitsurugi went on to work part-time as a janitor at some stadium somewhere. He quickly grew tired of this (even though he was making more than your average garden-variety janitor), and decided to, once again, become a mercenary. He is the most wanted man in France for killing some important person or other.

Raphael (as the author almost forgot) was an extra in several vampire movies. He had a quiet life in France, but was killed by Mitsurugi and, apparently, several people objected to this on the 'fact' that he was hot. And, um... he really isn't. But he came back to life since he now had the POWAH of Soul Edge in him and whatnot, that crazy, crazy Frenchmen.

Talim works at a MacDonald's as a french-fryer. She has been Employee of the Month for two months because of her good attitude. Nobody protests to this, but mysterious graffiti (usually something like, "MacDonald's is for chumps!") appears every month on the outside walls...

Rock made it big as a model for furs in Norway. He enjoys the simple pleasures in life like Ivy and lives with his adopted son Bangoo in the cold north. Luckily, all of his furs keep them warm during winter.

Cassandra became a cook at a local restaurant (despite protests from her family and their own BAKERY that they had), and got said restaurant to rank up there in the top ten of the world's greatest restaurants. 'Restaurants' was used a lot in that last sentence.

Sophitia finally started acting like a mother of two but decided to quit because then the fans would hate her for being so. Or not, it really depends on who we're talking about. But then she realized that she needed a job and did something or other because, in all honesty, the author cannot think of anything for her to do besides beinga mom.

Voldo went into the theater business as an opera singer. He did surprisingly well for somebody who only communicates through obscure hisses and grunts. He's reported to go on to be a dancer in a few weeks.

Taki continued being a ninja and eventually found herself being hounded by the animators of some ninja show to be in said show of ninjas. She goes under the alias 'Kurenai' and plays a minor role. However, she makes a fair amount of money.

Necrid, after pursuing a career in realty, died. You just read it, you should know.

Anybody who the author probably forgot did something productive.

_THE END._


	10. High Altitudes aka A Cautionary Tale

By some freak accident, Necrid was murdered while selling real-estate. But that isn't the most odd of this fanfic's tales, as you will soon learn...

Chapter Ten : High Altitudes (aka: A Cautionary Tale)

By some odd coincidence, Kilik, Maxi, and Xianghua all happened to be at the shrine to Hephaestus from SCII. Why they were there, they didn't know, but it could probably be linked to the fact that they all had to fight Cassandra at this point in time.

"So... how's it been?" asked Kilik to Maxi.

"...Who are you again?" said Maxi, being affected by his amnesia at random.

Kilik looked betrayed. "It's me! Kilik! Your best friend!"

Maxi thought about this. "Nope... not ringing any bells. Sorry."

"Maxi, it's us! Your compadres! We're the Three Musketeers!" said Xianghua.

"I see no muskets," the pirate pointed out, looking skeptic. He suddenly looked around. "Man! I sure wish I had buttons!"

Xianghua gained a smug look. "See? What did I say during Christmas?"

"That he wouldn't have buttons one day when he really needed them and that yours would come in handy?" Kilik guessed.

"EXACTLY! Look where he is now," scoffed the woman, rolling her eyes.

The Japanese man suddenly gripped his head. "Wait... it's all coming back to me!"

Kilik and Xianghua looked hopeful.

"I just remembered!" chuckled Maxi, slapping his forehead. "I have buttons in my pocket!" He pulled out the buttons as evidence.

The two younger people sighed and looked downtrodden.

"Hey, anybody hungry? I randomly have one of those pots you boil water in!" said Maxi. "And lo! Water falling from nowhere into that little pool there!" He chuckled at his fortune.

Kilik and Xianghua, meanwhile, were immersed in their own conversation.

"Well, maybe he is remembering, since he remembered that he put the buttons in his pockets after we got horribly drunk," Kilik said.

"That was mere coincidence!" snapped Xianghua. "As is this whole chapter. ...Wait... what's he doing with a spaghetti pot?"

"And why does he have a gas lighter?"

"I don't know. Should we ask him?"

They walked over to him.

"What are you doing... boiling water?" Xianghua asked, looking at the spaghetti pot, that was now full of water.

"I'm hungry, so I decided to make some... oh, damn, I forgot the food," sighed Maxi, snapping his fingers in disappointment. "Anyway, wanna boil water just for the heck of it?"

"Erm... sure, why not?" said Kilik, shrugging. "That doesn't make much sense, but... well, nothing does anymore."

"Good man!" The pirate tried to start up the gas-torch, but it didn't blow flames. "What the... What's wrong _now_? First I forget the food and now! Now my torch won't light!" He searched his pockets again and pulled out a book of matches. Not a 'book' as in 'reading', you know.

"I don't think that's a good idea," said Xianghua, taking a few steps back.

"Oh, what do you know?" snapped Maxi. "You're just some crazy woman." As he lit a match, his companions backed away in fear or some such fleeting feeling. "Wait... It's all coming back to me! You're Kilik! And you! You're Xianghua!" He threw the torch and the lit match away. "I can't believe I forgot--"

_Meanwhile..._

"Shouldn't you be at the shrine, Cassie?" Sophitia asked her younger sister, raising an eyebrow at Cassandra.

"Well, I just didn't feel like going up there today, so I decided not to," the young woman told her, looking out a nearby window.

Suddenly, the top of the mountain seemed to explode, and an avalanche overtook it. Cassandra gaped in horror.

"What?"

"The mountain! The shrine! Explosion! Avalanche!" Cassandra started flailing around.

Sophitia looked out the window, wincing. "Aw, crap..."

_The End_

qpqpqp

dbdbdb

A/N: Okay, I understand that some of you think this fanfic is over and done with. Well... it's not. That whole 'Aftermath of Jobs' chapter was just telling you what they did to make extra money. It wasn't ending anything... Except for maybe, I dunno, my inspiration for last week. I COULDN'T WRITE ANYTHING, which is why I was unable to update last week. I'm sorry...

Oh, and, before I forget: If any of you have suggestions for a new title (one to attract people to the story, rather than make them turn their noses up and say, "ha-RUMPH!"), then just go to my profile page and e-mail me. It's all written down there.


	11. The Worst Nightmare

Chapter Eleven : The Worst Nightmare

We know what everybody does by the light of day (i.e., fight, cook, fight, be high on life, fight, kill, fight, maul, fight, etc...), but how do they act... at night? Well, I don't know about most people, but our favorite trio from Jirisan probably have horrible, horrible nights together in that dojo, along with Mina's poppee.

But what do I know? I'm just a biased teenager who doesn't like things for no reason.

_Any_way...

It was about seven o' clock in the evening at the Seung Dojo, and everybody was getting ready for bed or some such thing.

"I don't _need_ sleep," snapped Yunsung, drinking a cup of coffee.

"I don't think that's a good--" started Hwang, but Mina slapped him.

"Quiet you! He needs to do this so he can learn a lesson," said Seung Mina matter-of-factly, putting her hands on her hips.

Hwang gave her an incredulous look, still in shock over being slapped. "_How will he learn anything if we don't punish him_?"

"I... Erm, well, I hadn't thought about that," admitted Mina, looking at the ground. "But I can assure you that it's for his and our well-being that he does this."

"You know he's gonna be up all night," said Hwang, crossing his arms over his chest. "Remember what happened _last_ time?"

"So he snuck out and destroyed an entire civilization in under three hours!" laughed Seung Mina. "What are the chances of that happening again?"

"He sunk _Atlantis_, Mina. ATLANTIS," Hwang said for emphesis. "They had all kinds of secret theories of eternal life, _and_ they owned the Fountain of Youth. And Yunsung killed them all."

"Well I guess they didn't have very good theories of eternal life, then, did they?"

"That's not my point! My point is, Yunsung's crazy when he has too much caffiene, and who knows what could happen if he's set loose upon the world? Crazy stuff, that's what. He's going to end up killing some figure of power or something like that. It's been done."

Mina looked thoughtful, as Yunsung downed his fifth cup of coffee in the last five minutes. "Hmm... You could be right... But Yunsung's harmless! Look at him!" She pulled him over by the arm and made a puppy-dog-ish face while Yunsung's eyes darted around and he shook uncontrollably. "He's adorable! He couldn't harm a fly!"

"Pishaw, haven't you seen him whack one of those things with a newspaper?" Hwang asked, looking stern. "Now--" He slapped the coffee from Yunsung's hands. "--Both of you go to bed. I don't want to hear you up past ten."

"My coffee!" gasped Yunsung, diving for the mug before it shattered against the ground. He caught it just in time, but at an angle so that the coffee was still in motion even though the mug was not. Coffee splashed onto the floor. "NOOOOOOOO!"

"But Hwang..." whined Seung Mina, pouting.

"Bed!" replied Hwang, pointing off down the hall.

Mina shuffled off. Yunsung, meanwhile, was mourning his coffee.

qpqpqp

dbdbdb

It was a beautiful, sunny afternoon in Jirisan, where many, many people had gathered for a glorious wedding.

Seung Mina walked down the red carpet, clad in white satin and silk, arm-in-arm with Han Myong. 'Here Comes the Bride' played on a nearby pipe organ.

At the alter was Astaroth, dressed in a preacher's jacket, holding the bible in one large hand, his axe in the other. Already standing by the golem was Hwang, in a full tuxedo.

As Mina approached the alter, the music faded. She held up her boquet of roses, smiling widely.

Astaroth opened the book. "DO YOU, HWANG SUNG KYUNG, TAKE SEUNG MINA TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED WIFE?" asked the golem in a deep rumble.

"I do," said Hwang.

"AND DO YOU, SEUNG MINA, TAKE HWANG SUNG KYUNG TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED HUSBAND?"

"I do," said Mina, on the verge of tears of joy.

"YOU MAY--"

"We're out of nachos!" Maxi called from the refreshment table where he and the other two Musketeers were eating all the food.

"Nobody cares!" shouted some random family member of Mina's.

"YOU MAY NOW KISS THE BRIDE," said Astaroth.

Just as they were moving in for the kiss...

Mina woke up in a cold sweat.

"Ah! What a nightmare," she muttered, rubbing her eyes. A few minutes later, she drifted back to sleep.

qpqpqp

dbdbdb

"Happy birthday, Hwang!" said Yunsung, Mina, and Han Myong in unison, sitting at a table with Hwang, a large birthday cake in the middle.

"Wow, what a great year that's been, huh?" said Seung Mina a little _too_ enthusiastically.

"Indeed," Yunsung agreed.

"Too bad Hwang," clucked Han Myong. "You're what, thirty? You're... OVER THE HILL."

"Wha...?" said Hwang, confused.

Suddenly, their eyes glowed red and they grew fangs.

"Oh, goodness!" The man stood up and backed away from them.

"_Old..._" they hissed. "_Old.._."

"No! No, I'm not old! Han Myong's old, I'm not! NOOOOO!"

Hwang woke up, looking scared out of his mind. "I'm not old... no... no..."

qpqpqp

dbdbdb

Yunsung and a mug of coffee skipped through a flower-covered field in slow-motion, some famous up-beat love song playing in the background.

_Reunited and it feels so good..._

_Reunited 'cause you understood..._

_There's one perfect fit _

_And sugar this one is it_

_We both are so excited  
_

_'Cause we're reunited, hey hey..._

"Oh, coffee!" said Yunsung, hugging the coffee mug as everything returned to normal speed. "I missed you so much!"

"And I you, Yunsung," said the coffee mug in a somewhat feminine voice. "But listen, I have something I need to tell you..."

"What about, my caffinated carnation?"

"...it's about... YOUR MOM."

"GASP!" gasped Yunsung, reeling away from the mug. "No! Anything but that!"

"Your mom's so fat, she takes an eighteen-wheeler to get to work in the morning!"

"AAAAAH!"

"Your mom's so ugly, Satan got openings for fifty guys--including your pa--in the last two minutes!"

"Stop it! Stop it, you cruel mug!" shouted Yunsung, trying to throttle it, but to no avail. Because there's no throttling something that has a circumferance of a giant can of beef.

"And you know what else? ...Yo mama!" cackled the mug, turning into Yunsung's unknown mother.

He screamed in horror, waking up.

His eyes darted around the room, and he sighed. "That's the last time I have coffee before going to bed..."

_The next morning..._

"Well, I couldn't sleep," Yunsung sighed. "What about you?"

"Oh, I slept fine after the first two dreams about me marrying Hwang," said Mina cheerfully, eating a spoonful of cereal.

"Oh, that's good because... WHAT?" asked Yunsung.

"What? It was a total nightmare," admitted Mina. "First I had a western wedding and then I had an Eskimo wedding. It was terribly frightful. I almost wet myself the second time just _thinking_ about it."

"Goodness!"

"Yeah."

Hwang suddenly walked into the room, looking tired. "I had the worst dream last night... You were there, and _you_ were there, and your dad was there... and you all... you all called me..." His eyes narrowed. "_Old..._"

The other two stared at him.

"Well, you are getting a little... eh, in the thirties, what? Yeah, I wouldn't call that old," said Mina, returning to her cereal.

"Yeah, you're not old," chuckled Yunsung.

"Anyone want any coffee?" asked Hwang.

"NO!" shouted Yunsung, standing up.

Hwang stared at him.

"Erm... I mean, no thanks." He sat back down.

"Riiight..."

_THE END._


	12. Nightmare Day

Chapter Twelve : Nightmare Day

You remember a while back that whole 'Spinny' business, right? Well... Nightmare got sick and tired of that so he kicked Astaroth and Ivy out of his pad/Osthreisenburg Castle and decided to remodel the whole place.

While doing so, he figured that he'd pack up everything of importance and separate it from the trivial stuff he'd kept around for the longest of times, since all the way back in '98.

"Lessee... Crap, crap, crap, crap, double-crap--ooh, my Madonna CDs," said Nightmare, sifting through his boxes of junk. He held up the case of Madonna CDs triumphantly. "I've been looking for these forever! ...Too bad there's no freaking CD players in the sixteenth century." He narrowed his eyes. "That's it! I'm going to invent something so monumental that people will declare a day be named after me!"

"THAT'S A GREAT IDEA, SPINNY," rumbled Astaroth.

Nightmare spun around, subsequently flinging his CD case out a window. He winced as the sound of shattering glass reached his ears.

"How'd you get back in? I thought I melted the keys down so I could make the fin on my helmet!"

"I HAD A SPARE."

Nightmare glared at him for a while. "You bastard," he said quietly after a moment.

"OH, COME ON, IT'S NOT LIKE YOU HATE ME, RIGHT?" chuckled Astaroth.

"It might be like that, I just have to think for a bit," Nightmare said, checking his nails. "Oh, right. It IS like that."

There was an awkward silence.

"WELL, WHAT ABOUT THAT WHOLE INVENTION DEALY YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT A FEW MINUTES AGO?" Astaroth tried after said awkward silence ended. "YOU SOUNDED REAL ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT IT."

Of course Nightmare knew that, had he ever sounded enthusiastic, it was when he was going to kill something/somebody. And even then, he was just being evil and not _exactly_ enthusiastic. "Yeah. Well, now that my CDs are no more, I have no need to do so. But I would like a day named after me, who so deserves it after all these years of soul-collecting."

"THEY COULD CALL IT 'SPINNY DAY'!" said Astaroth.

The short, short evil man stared at him. "...No. Just... just no."

"'SHORT GERMAN PERSONS' DAY'?"

Nightmare narrowed his eyes and briefly considered killing Astaroth. But that would be out of the question... for now. "Oh, so now we're going to shoot down petite people, are we? While we're at it, let's make fun of the fruit from China and his motley crew of misfits who include but are not limited to that peppy girl and Bruce Presley."

"'EVIL DAY'?"

"Maybe, but no."

"'SOUL COLLECTION DAY', THE EQUIVALENT TO TAX COLLECTION DAY. ONLY YOU'RE NOT THE IRS. BUT PEOPLE WILL STILL SCREAM AND WRITHE IN AGONY."

"Sounds fun, but... neh."

"'DÍA DE LA PESADILLA'. SO THE SPANISH WILL FEAR YOU."

"While I'd like that, I dislike the Spanish. And the French. Come to think of it, I pretty much dislike everybody and everything. Except for souls, dead people, and overall misery in general."

"'ANMONG IL'?"

"...What?"

"NIGHTMARE DAY FOR THE KOREANS."

"How'd you get so smart? No, I'd better not question things like that, lest there be another pun on my spinning moveset..."

"NIGHTMARE DAY, THEN. SIMPLE, CLEAN, AND TO THE POINT."

"It won't be clean if _I_ have anything to say about it," said Nightmare, chuckling darkly and narrowing his eyes whilst smiling darkly behind his helmet. Thingy-doodle. "So when Nightmare Day comes 'round every year on today, March fourth, people will flee in fear that they'll be killed horribly by me, NIGHTMARE! For I will be their greatest nightmare!" He laughed evilly as lighting struck in the background and thunder rumbled to accompany them.

Nightmare woke up. It was all a dream!


	13. Mopi

Chapter Thirteen : Mopi

Once upon a time, when Hwang was a wee lad, he owned a stuffed bear. A stuffed bear named Mopi. It was the stereo-typical stuffed bear, too, with a little red scarf, button eyes, and a felt nose. And it was brown, with a lighter snout-type area.

Unfortunately for Hwang, Mopi happened to be possessed by an evil, evil ancient and terrible spirit. Oh dear.

So, unbeknownst to Hwang's parents, his stuffed bear Mopi actually _did_ talk to him, albeit in a voice only heard by small children. So when they were all annoyed at him talking to his bear, they had no right because Mopi actually _was_ talking.

"You should burn down your house," Mopi said one day, boredly.

"But isn't that _bad_, Mopi?" asked little Hwang, looking confused. "I mean, Mommy and Daddy are always saying that burning things is bad."

Mopi scoffed. "Fine, be a party-pooper. You're at the level of a toilet with a party-hat on. I hope you're happy."

"Oh, Mopi! You're so silly."

Mopi was silent.

"...Mopi? You okay?" Hwang asked after a minute.

"Yeah. Yeah, I am. I'm just horribly disappointed in you."

"Why, Mopi?"

"Because one day, people are going to walk all over you because you're so tolerant. I mean, you could've done a number of things to me after I said 'burn your house down', but you just left me alone and decided to call me silly." As an afterthought, Mopi said, "I hate you."

Hwang frowned. "But... But if I'm intolerant, won't that make be a bitter old man like that Seung guy down the street?"

"Intolerance is a blessing, kid. It means that you can choose to ignore the stupid people of the world and decide to screw that hot chick every now and then."

"...What's 'screw' mean?"

"You'll find out when you're older," Mopi said. He thought about this. "...Hopefully."

"Oh. Okay, Mopi."

If he could've moved, Mopi would have strangled the boy right then and there. Alas...he could not. "No, no, that's all wrong! You're supposed to say, 'DAMMIT, Mopi! Tell me what 'screw' means!' Like that, see? Makes people know that you mean what you say."

Hwang made a face. "But I don't want to come across as a mean person!"

"You have to be mean in order to survive nowadays, kiddo. Nothing comes easy in the sixteenth century. Especially not good living qualities. If you want to have a good home, you have to be mean and steal it."

"But... but..."

"'But, but'," Mopi mocked in a high-pitched voice. "Is that all that's in your vocabulary? God, it's like talking to a freakin' parrot."

"What's a parrot, Mopi?"

"It's a tropical bird from South America."

"...Where? South America?"

"YES, you dumbass. Is there an echo in here?"

"I didn't hear you, Mopi!" Hwang shouted, looking angry. He threw the bear across the room. "You're a horrible friend!"

"Hey! I didn't _ask_ to be thrown!" Mopi said defiantly. "Get your scrawny butt back here, you little--"

His cries were heard no more as Hwang walked out of the room.

The moral of the story? Don't judge a book by its cover.

...Not much of a moral, is it?

_THE END._


End file.
